Forgiven

I didn't think my baby would be angry with me. I thought he would rush to the door, smile brightly and greet me with a sunshine "Hi!", like how he usually does when I reach my parents' place after work.

This time, he didn't even come to the door even after my father called for him. And not even after I called him.

He was angry. I hadn't shown up for 3 days.

I found him in the master bedroom with Aunt Judy and Unc Eric. When I greeted him, he was nonchalant about my appearance. I offered, "Come, mommy hug." He got up and I thought he would throw himself into my arms. No, he turned the other way and hugged a mattress instead. I was so hurt.

Next, he showed his anger. He opened a drawer where he would usually hide his treasures consisting batteries, my mom's long-sighted glasses, alarm clock etc. Then he banged it close. And he repeated it.

Aunt Judy exclaimed, Oh Cavan is angry with mommy. He fell sick over the weekend and mommy wasn't even with him.

I felt so, so bad.

I was walking out of the room when he followed me. I quickly turned around and tried to catch him. He giggled, turned around in attempts to escape, like how we would play catching. He let out a squeal of laughter when I managed to grab him. As soon as I carried him, he put his head on my shoulder and patted my arm.

I was forgiven. Ahh... the healing power of forgiveness.

Travelling without my baby

I made a last minute arrangement with my colleague to fly to Hong Kong over the weekend. There was a lot of hesitation. I wasn't concerned about the impulsive plan. Neither was I concerned about having to fork out that money when I could have saved it for our Melbourne trip later this year (no big deal, I'm going to get my bonus).

I am so going to miss my son.

Somehow motherhood makes a person all cushy and mushy. Usually I'm the sort- just follow your head (yep, my hubby is more of a heart person). This time, I feel I'm abandoning my child to enjoy!

Why did I feel different last June when Clem and I skipped off to Bali when Cavan was 4 months old? I could just go. Ah, I know. Cavan then was just a babe. It didn't matter whether I was there. He didn't have a concept of a mother being. As long as his main caretaker (his grandma) was there, it was fine. No separation anxiety.

Now it's different. He recognised me as mummy. How can mummy even go anywhere without him? That's what he thinks. Hmm... I feel more wanted, more needed. Hence more difficult to leave.

Finally, I feel like a mother.

New Age Dad

Clem is a very hands-on dad while I confess to be a lazy mom. Well, I've made it clear to him at the beginning even before we were married (read: disclaimer... haha!) that I'm going to be a lazy mom cos I can't stand doing chores and I'm not as patient as him.

Clem has been the perfect dad. 100%. I have been deeply moved by the things he had done for Cavan and in a way, he did it for me. Last June was the 1st Father's Day for him. I got him a card and wrote the following on behalf of Cavan, who was 4 months old then. This is so that Cavan can know what his dad did for him.

"Dear Daddy,
although I am only 4 months, you have already done so many things for me:
~ when I went home at 3 days old, mummy did not have milk for me yet. You were afraid I would get thirsty so you fed me water, spoon by spoon very patiently.
~ you were the one who bathed me when mummy was in confinement. And you sang me songs and talked to me while you did that, so I won't be afraid.
~ I had colic for almost 3 weeks everyday when I turned 3 weeks old. I would cry and cry and cry. Nothing could calm me. You went without sleep and carried me and rocked me, so mummy could rest. Eventually I would be so comforted that I fell asleep together with you, with my head on your chest.
~ I liked it when you read to me especially when you held my hand to feel the crispy house and the woolly sheep.
~ When I woke up for night feeds you would wake up and prepare the bottle for me. You have never complained about losing your sleep.
~ You would sit me on your lap and sing songs to me. I still remember the songs you sang when I was in mummy's tummy. And that we always played "catch".
~ I really loved to look at your face and listening to your voice. They are so filled with love.

There are so, so many things you have done for me. This card is too small to contain.

Thank you, Daddy, for loving me. And thank you for loving mummy. I don't know how to repay you for your unconditional love. But right now, I know I can love you back. You are my world. All I have now comes from you. So when I look at you and smile and kick my legs and wave my arms, I am actually saying, "I love you, Daddy!"

Love, Baby Cavan
June 2005



I just want to tell my beloved hubby "Happy Father's Day"!

Character

Since Cavan was an infant, we had known him to have a mild temper. Even when he cried, it was not a bawling-kind of cry. Just a soft whimper with a pout even though he was hungry or uncomfortable from a soiled nappy.

Well, we can say that Cavan has a gentle spirit which is totally unlike me. People called him a "gentleman". He takes after his dad in this aspect.

As he grew, this personality became more distinct as we saw his interaction with other kids. Most of the time, if he were to play with a toy and someone comes along and snatches it away, he would just move to another toy.

I witnessed how he was "bullied" by a kindergartner. A 6-yr-old girl was playing a toy piano at a store. Cavan went up to her, observed for a while and "asked" if he could join in. (Usually he would "talk" to the person first when wanting to share something.) Then his little fingers dabbled at the keys. To my surprise, the gal took Cavan's hand and flung it off. Was Cavan's ego badly bruised? Not at all. He tried again and received the same treatment.

With these, he left for other toys. But I was fuming. This gal has no manners! I looked at her mom and gave a see-what-your-daughter-did kind of look. The mom told her "Share with didi." The gal called Cavan back. Of course, by this time, Cavan couldn't be bothered with her at all.

As for me, I was quite disturbed. I told Clem "Bebe has no fighting spirit! So unlike me!" Clem looked at me and asked, "Is this what you want our son to be? To learn how to fight?" Clem's philosophy was that you don't need to be aggressive to get your way. And you don't need to always get your way. He explained that Cavan could do without these stuff hence he could do without a fight (or a cry). He is secure and confident.

That really brought my senses back. I should let my son grow in his spirit and emotion, without expectation of what is the "right" behaviour.

Sand-sational!

Been looking forward to the trip to Sentosa. We're sure Cavan would love it too since he's an active baby and loves to explore new stuff.

This was the very 1st time he's seen and played with sand. He couldn't keep his hands off the sand. Initially, he kept grabbing a handful then see it slowly dribble to the ground. Oftimes, he forgot and put his sandy hand to his mouth and had to call for help to remove sand from his mouth...

His sand-skills upgraded to scooping and emptying the spade off a container (in this case, his truck). Although he loved the water, this time he'd rather do the scooping job as the salty water proved too sizzling to his eyes.

Day out at the zoo

Been wanting to bring Cavan to the zoo. Since he started walking, he likes to walk and walk. Shopping malls aren't the best places. People keep trying to get out of his way. I feel bad for them.

I was suddenly down with a cold late that morning, after preparing all the makan. Nevertheless, we made our way to the zoo to meet our friends.


Freedom!














With his friend, Bernice










Watching the monitor lizard










Riding on the fake-o giraffe













Here, the kids were more attracted to the volunteer than the hamsters in the pen. They were watching him even though he wasn't speaking nor moving at all. Guess he was more of a sight than the cute furballs.

When this boy got up, he was quite a sight. He had a face of a 14-year-old but the height of a coconut tree! Yes, I exaggerated but he's really tall!

Cavan and his Mah-mah

Cavan simply adores his Mah-mah. And rightfully, he should.

His Mah-mah had fighted much for her life so she could care for him.

When I was pregnant with Cavan at 3 months, we were informed that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer (Stage 2-3). We were devastated. I cried for weeks and prayed like never before. Sometimes, words just failed me and I could only cried out to God.

Mom underwent chemo, radiotherapy and finally a surgery to remove her right breast in Nov 2004. After that, she went on a regular bim0nthly checks and was given clearance.

She took care of Cavan after his 1st month. Of course, her physical strength waned. But her mental and emotional strength never waivered. She lost the ability to use her right arm as it was not as strong as before. She still persisted on carrying Cavan, her marketing stuff, his stroller and showed us she could. My dad gave up his job so they could take care of Cavan together.

On Cavan's 1st birthday, my mom was diagnosed with liver cancer (Stage 4). In my heart, I asked why. But my mom never did. There is a time when everyone has to go, she believed. Hence she went about in her life as normal. I don't know whether she ever questioned why such a thing happened to her. She's been such a strong person.

Her daily joy and happiness is very much built upon Cavan. His little antics made her smile. He simply loves to snuggle up to her, teases her with his mischevious pranks and makes funny faces at her when chided.

I hope he will know what his Mah-mah had done for him despite her illness and will honour her.

75th percentile

Cavan's height had all along been 75th percentile since he was 1 month old. This means he is taller than 750 babies and shorter than 250 babies his age and gender given a sample of 1000. People ask, who does Cavan inherit his height from, since Clem and myself are not very tall (ok, I'm short). Perhaps from Clem's maternal grandpa. Quite a tall and feisty person for a 80+ year-old. Perhaps my dad, whom people say is tall as well.

What I was concerned with was that Cavan's head was also on 75th percentile. This is not news to us, as we sometimes had difficulty putting on a T-shirt for Cavan cos his head will get in the way. So we usually buy tops with buttons by the shoulder. I was concerned cos the nurse brought it up. In the past development assessments, no one had ever mentioned although on record, Cavan's head had consistently been that percentile. The nurse said if it had been consistent, then shouldn't be a cause for concern. But why did she bring it up? Should I bring Cavan for a check?

I surfed the internet for info. As the growth has not deviated from normal development and had consistently been on the same graph line, shouldn't be worried. It says that 75th percentile for head circumference coupled with higher percentile for height indicates that baby might be tall.

Well, my parents say that I have a big head too. That's true. I can't even fit into Clem's hat and some glasses are too tight for me. Cavan could get his big head from me.

Now, that's a relief.

Look, mom, no hands!

Cavan started walking more than 10 steps on his own today.

He has been walking but required our support. The only funny thing was, he only wanted us to hold one hand. If I were to hold his right hand, then Clem comes along and holds his left hand, Cavan would let go of my hand.If I try to rejoin the hand-holding and hold his hand, he would
let go of Clem's.

We were at Marina Square. I was shopping so Clem was coaching Cavan outside the store. By the time, I came out, my beaming baby was walking toward me. We were so proud of him!

We found that Cavan didn't want to be carried anymore! He just wanted to walk. And walk. And walk! Of course we didn't get to shop much cos half our time was spent trying to stop him from running into glass walls, and into other shoppers.
Guess that marked the first day of our chasing around...

Then: Tap-walking at 8-&-half mths

Then: Strutting along

Then: Cavan held by his daddy just the day before.

Happy to be on his own.









Throwing tantrums cos didn't want to be carried.







Bushed!

Growing up 

"Dar!"

That's what Clem and I call each other. And that what Cavan calls us now.

Cavan started out by calling Clem "dare dare" and me, well, anything. He started observing how Clem and I interacted and watched how I would yell "Dar!" from the room and Clem would answer from somewhere else in the house. So whenever I yelled "Dar!", he would look out of the room expectantly and looked back at me after Clem's reply.

About 2 months into the observation, he started calling us "Dar!"

My parents and in-laws were certainly amused by this reference.

Little Explorer

Upon checking into the hotel rooms/ resorts, Cavan would first explore the room and test out the equipments...

Checking out Mt Sorak Resort room and phone












Checking out the phone and heater at Pacific Hotel room.

Surviving the Korea trip

Really thank God that Cavan enjoyed himself so much throughout the trip. It was beyond my expectation.

Flight to Korea
Our flight was 1am and it was way past Cavan's bedtime. He was excited about this new experience and was wide awake. Plus Aunt Judy and family were here to see us off, so he couldn't get much sleep before that. It was only when the plane was on the runway that he fell asleep... He didn't have much complain about the air pressure, probably thanks to the pacifier. He did shuffle a few times, as he was unable to stretch out and sleep. Nevertheless, he did not complain.

Korea
He pretty did what everyone did. When people napped on the coach, he napped. When people got off to sightsee, he did (although there were times we wanted to stay in the coach so he could sleep longer). When people ate, he ate. His routine was hay-wired but he was not fussy. He was a good baby travellor. Clem and I were so inspired to bring him on another trip.

I think Cavan enjoyed Waterpia the most. He loved swimming and spent a splashing great time. Other than this, he was just happy to be out everyday.

Korea is family-centric. The parks that we went had strollers for rent. Koreans also love kids. Cavan always had someone coming up to him, to play and talk with him.

So what did Cavan eat?
We were kiasu parents. Brought loads of milk powder, 2 types of cereals (1 for milk feed, 1 for direct feed), biscuits, bread, even Singapore-boiled water. Cavan was able to eat most of the local food- rice, udon, soup, chicken, veg (not kimchi). We had to bring back the cereal. Water-wise, it was safe as long as we boiled. I tried not to give him mineral water.

Although Cavan only paid infant fare (flight plus airport tax only), he was given a share of every meal we had. He had his own bibimbap, ginseng chicken (yes, the whole chicken) with glutinous rice etc. Of course, it was his daddy who downed everything eventually. He got double portion, that lucky guy.

On flight, Cavan was served Gerber's mashed chicken n veg, mashed green beans, banana n custard pudding and applesauce. Clem and I tried some. Yucks and double yucks. Do they really expect babies to eat these?

Cavan was very adaptable. He ate whatever we ate altho we had so much more. I think we put on weight during the time. Cavan, on the other hand, seemed to have lost weight...

The weather was really cold. Was below 5 deg then. 

"Is this really going to be my lunch?" 

With mommy 

Doesn't Cavan look like he's from Shaolin? 

Pic taken at Nami Island, supposedly made famous by Korean Drama "Winter Sonata".

Cavan's fav grandaunt Judy sent us off at the airport with her family. Gave Cavan a red packet as this was his 1st trip by air. She was going to miss him so much!