The search is over. We enrolled Cavan the day we went for the open house. And the open house was meant for kindergarten, not playgroup. And started Cavan 2 days after his 1st encounter with the environment. He was happy to be left alone playing and scribbling while we were making enquiries and doing registration in the other room. Wanted to start him a week later but Clem said since Cavan was comfortable with the place, start him asap while the good memory was still there. Seize the day!

I left the task of sending Cavan to PG to Clem and my father. They would be less anxious than the kancheong spider mother. According to Clem, as soon as Cavan reached the classroom, he helped himself to the toys and asked them to leave, "You go, you go."

My boy has grown up.

A take-yourself passport photo for PG

Well, he's always been able to adapt rather easily to changing environment. This is evident from our trips, when we weaned him off his pacifier at 21 mos (only cried for 2 nights), and when we banished him from our bed to sleep on his own. It helped that he's a fuss-free boy.

Phew, another item settled before #2 comes...Can tick my checklist:
* Cavan to sleep on his own- check
* Send him to PG- check

transition

Ok, it's time. Cavan had to sleep on his own. But the cowardice mother had withdrawal syndrome. If we moved him to the other room, it's too cruel! Why not let him sleep on the floor next to our bed?


Frankly speaking, I enjoyed co-sleeping with Cavan despite the tight-squeeze in a Q-sized bed. Despite having my face slapped by his hand. Despite having my body prodded by his leg. I loved it when we had small talk before sleeping. I loved smelling his head and kissing his cheek while he slept. I enjoyed the mornings when we lie about in bed, looking sleepily at each other, whispering dreamy words.





As with all things, we have to move on. Moreover, I kept having to be watchful throughout the nights to prevent Cavan from kicking my bulgy tummy. Managed to grab his leg a few times at night.


Creating the path of least resistance, we let him choose his fav bedsheet- Cars. He was marvelling about it and retorted he wanted to sleep in it.


Came the crux:
Night #1: Lay happily on his mattress. After bedtime story and good night song, he promptly grabbed his pillow and bolster and scrambled up our bed. He thought that was a pre-bedtime area? No, this is YOUR bed. We said. After much fussing, Clem had no choice but to sleep with him.



Night #2: Clem slept with him on the mattress. Once Cavan fell asleep, he moved up to the bed. I slept late so by the time I reached the bedroom, I saw the 2 of them on the bed! I woke Clem up and exclaimed how could he have given in and let Cavan up! He replied that he didn't. Cavan must have climbed up himself.


Night #3: I slept late again and I heard a commotion in the room. On entering the room, I saw Cavan half lying on the bed, half standing on his mattress. Asleep. Again we moved him down.


This transition must have taken a few nights. After which, Cavan settled in his new mattress. I am still trying to settle down with an emptier bed.


Sigh.

Preparing for #2

#2 is due to come next month. People asked if I'm ready. Me ready? I'm more pre-occupied with whether Cavan is ready. Aiya no prob lah, kind friends offered. Cavan seems to like babies a lot!

True.

Cavan loves to go to babies and stroke their little faces. He would ask mommies about their babies. Whenever he sees someone pushing a stroller, he would run up to them to see their babies. Even when he flips a book and sees a pic of a baby, he would kiss the pic.

Yes. He likes babies a lot. But he can say goodbye to these. For #2, she's here to stay. Different story.

Maybe I worry too much. But the last thing I want, is to rob my dear son of his sense of security. I'm so afraid that he will transform from an affable little boy to one that is withdrawn and whiny, as I so often heard from parents who had #2.

Pray that we as parents will be sensitive to his needs and behaviour. Hope our parents and friends will be too.

Temper

I've always had a short fuse, got impatient easily and let small things bother me a lot. However, at our last cell meeting, we discussed about patience and were asked to rate our patience from a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being most impatient, 10 being most patient). I rated myself 6 as a reflection of the present.

I would have given myself a 2 or 3 in the past.

Well, I still am impatient at times but I've learnt to let go and take life more easily. What changed me? Motherhood, I must say.

I started becoming careful how I conducted myself in front of Cavan. His watchful eyes and perceptive spirit always put me in check. He always senses it when I'm unhappy and is quick to stop my temper from brewing. Here are a few ways:

* When I'm angry (usually with Clement) and I rattle on and on, he would cover my mouth and says, "Mummy, stop."
* When I sulk, he would coax me and says, "Mummy, don't be angry. Smile!"
* When he senses I'm about to confront Clement for something I'm unhappy about, he would hold my hand and says, "Mummy, let's go."

Cavan understands more biblical principles and applies them more than I do. That we should stop certain actions or thoughts that will lead us to sin. That we should leave the scene that will cause us to sin (just as Joseph did, when he fled).

I'm truly thankful to God for this son as a gift. God sent Clement as a gift to love me and accept me unconditionally. And He sent Cavan as another gift to cause me to be more self-aware, to change me. God is indeed gracious.

Favouritism

Yesterday morning, while Dar was driving me to work, there was a brief discussion on Class 95 on this topic. I think FD was mentioning that while parents may have favourites, that doesn't mean they love that child more than the others and they will try not to show it. Glenn was commenting that the child must have been able to sense it. True, I thought. However, now that I've grown up, on hindsight, I thought even the child has sensed something, the perception could have been wrong.

I was sharing with Dar how when I was young, I always thought my mom favoured my older brother more and always used this to "attack" her in our quarrels during my angsty teenage years. Of course, she was awfully hurt by this accusal and retorted that she gave up more for me than for my bro.

I'm sure that my bro would think that my father favours me more. But from a 3rd person's perspective, I may disagree. Now that I've grown, I realised that it's not that parents favour one child over the other, but that the expressions of love towards different children are different, given their different personality and needs.

My mom loves me in ways different from the way she loves my bro. Likewise for my father. However, as children, when we saw the difference, we often interpreted it biased-ness and if we were not careful, we would grow up with feelings of unfairness and resentment. That was how I felt at times as a teenager but my family's loving and giving environment resolved these feelings.

I was glad the topic came up, for I began to be more aware of our parents' love for us, manifested in different ways. For whichever way they choose to display their love and affirmation, I thank God for my family.

It’s a Girl!

People have been commenting how my tummy protrudes out, so it must be a boy. As usual, the theories. Today’s detailed scan confirmed it’s a girl!

Cavan was there to see his mei-mei. But to him, it may seemed like a monotone animation without dialogue. The only sound the animation had was a chi-gog chi-gog galloping sound of his sister’s heartbeat.

School for Toddlers

We're facing the beginning of one of those "recces" for our kid. Our intention was to put Cavan in a school, playgroup, half-day childcare, whatever. This is to ease the load off my parents. But we're not as conscientious as most parents in sniffing out the best places, programme, curriculum etc. Our search was more like "Oh we passed by this place so could consider" kind of effort. Or by hearsay.

There are several criteria to consider:
* Convenience for my parents as they would be the ones fetching him
* 3-hour to half-day prog ( My mom's heart was breaking when I told her we wanted to put Cavan in childcare. She asked, "Can we not put him through the whole day? Very tiring, you know." Ok lah, half day then.)
* Starts at 8 - 8.30am so we can drop him off before we go for work
* Ideal if the environment is not confined to 4 walls, with external locale for outdoor activities.

Got to know about Faith Montessori by word of mouth and managed to contact the school. We'll be making a trip soon to find out more. Hope we won't procrastinate!

Go, Fly a Kite

It was one of those Saturday morning that we felt like going to West Coast Park for breakfast and activities. That day, we felt like flying a kite instead of playing sand. The weather was sunny and windy. Before long our kite took flight in the vast sky.

Run, Daddy, run!

Guess there's no point for me to run. Think I'll just wait...

Handover

Our $2- kite soaring proudly in the sky. Sadly the string was not long enough and loosen itself out of the reel. Freedom, the kite found.

A Sibling for Cavan

Initially I thought end 2006 would be a good time for Junior #2. But there were other schedules overridding the plan. I was offered by my company to take up a 9-month course, starting in July '06 till May '07. After that, need to serve 1-year bond. Take it, my colleagues goaded. After that, take maternity leave and shave 3 months off the bond! Good idea.

But still need to have some responsibility right. So we counted to make sure I needn't to leave halfway through my course. Okies... a good time to start planning would be Oct '06. Wait, wait, wait... I already signed up for the marathon so must wait till Dec!

So there, now I'm 19 wks.

Bump not showing much. Managed to keep the news from my parents till 2 weeks ago when Cavan started to chant "Got baby, got baby" while perching out his little tummy. My aunt got suspicious for a whole week (or 2) and finally pulled me aside and interrogated me. Finally, the truth was out. If I hadn't confessed it, they couldn't even tell...

Boy? Girl?

We wanted a surprise for our first baby. For the 2nd, we figured it was more interesting to find out the gender. Friends joked that we were more likely to have boys than gals cos we were meat lovers. And Dar always thought well of his vigour (ahem!).

However, we suspected that this time round should be a gal. Cos we suspected that she was conceived right after our 42.195 km marathon. Either that or that day when Dar was nursing a flu. Go figure.

1st Trimester

I expected lethargy and loss of appetite, as with my 1st pregnancy. On the contrary, I was still active, and had hunger pangs most of the time. I was famished every breakfast and was happy to have a cuppa in the afternoon, with chocolates, muffins, cakes and what-nots in the office.

I could still work out at the gym and did so till I was 5 mos. I worked out on treadmill, gliding machine and rowing machine. As I grew bigger, I stopped as people were looking worried and I didn't want unnecessary attention.

At 5wks

At 10 wks

Secret

Didn’t mean to keep it from my family. My mom’s health was declining with her arm and legs swollen with water retention due to the removal of her lymph nodes. Perhaps it was not the right time to disclose to them yet. Dar said perhaps this good news could lift up everyone’s spirits. Perhaps. But I was not ready.

New Car

Dar commented that with the expansion of our family. We could do with a bigger car. We sourced around and shortlisted Kia Caren, Toyota Wish. We spent Sunday afternoons at car showrooms and car dealers. Blah! I’d rather be somewhere shopping than hanging around machines which looked the same to me.

Then Dar spotted his dream at the car dealer. A RED Toyota Wish, sports version, sun roof. I was quite hesitant. Firstly, wasn’t it a better value getting a new car? Second, I had my doubts about a second-hand car. There must be something wrong. Car dealer said the car plate number helped previous owner to strike 4D many times and the owner has replaced it with a sports car. Yeah right.

Anyway, Dar really loved the car. So okay lah, knowing he wouldn’t buy without my blessings. Hmm… now to think about fitting in 2 car seats…

Violating the no-nos of 1st trimester

My gynae is quite a careful person. As per the 1st pregnancy, he would instruct the following no's:

No alcohol
No smoking
No sex
No raw food

Apart from the 1st 2, I violated all the rest. I also still continued with my coffee. I still love my sashimi and fresh oysters (ok, I ate them the day after I discovered #2. Clem was prohibitive. I argued that if I hadn't have the check. I would still eat anyway, right? He retorted that now I knew, I had the moral obligation to stay off. Ok, you win. Today's the last time. But can continue after 1st trimester.)

I was more worried about something else. Preggies are not supposed to go for hot spring or sauna. Unaware of my pregnancy, I went for hot baths during my hols in Taiwan, supposedly 3-4 weeks preg. I prayed hard that my baby was not harmed.

All said, I was adopting a more laissez-faire attitude even though I was already quite chin-chai during my 1st.

#2 Discovered

Missed my period so thought I'd better check with doc. Usually sychronised with a colleague's (EJ). If mine hadn't come and hers came, mine would be triggered by hers (amazing but true!). This time, nothing happened.

So I went to see the company doc at Capital Towers. I was having mixed feelings. Somewhat the same when I was seeing the doc when I suspected my 1st pregnancy. What if I wasn't? Then I would have felt let down, given my anticipation.

The doc this time was a different one. A lady. Oh my, she was super positive. Asked me if I had xxx and yyy symptoms. When I said yes, she exclaimed these were very good signs. This is not good, I thought. What if she raised false expectations. I asked these could be pre-menstrual signs too right? Yes, that's right. So I needed to do an urine test.

Came out positive. Well, we plan to have #2 in end 2007 so this was earlier than expected...

Smsed dar who called and expressed his excitement. Went back to office and handed my colleague my doc visit slip and she asked, "Are you pregger?" I just grinned and simply asked her to sign my slip.

That night, as Dar was on duty, I went to catch a show with Brenda and EJ. Oops! I left my wallet in the office! Brenda commented that I always become stupider during my pregnancy. Ya hor...

EJ commented that I seemed to take this announcement pretty well this time. For the 1st one, I was in shock the whole day and in denial for weeks.

5th Wedding Anniversary

This year, I hit the big "3". Looking back, I had spent almost half my life with Dar. We started dating since we were 17. Now, 13 years into our relationship, we are still very much in love. I thank God for this blessing. Many friends and colleagues have also commented that he's such a sweet hubby!

Our celebrations was simple this year. But to commemorate the 5th-year milestone, we wanted a more permanent gift. Dar suggested having a tattoo- permanent what, he said. My concern was, will I be able to explain to our kids when they grow, and to the kids in church, and to our pre-believing friends. Of course, it's up to our conviction but if there's a chance of it being a stumbling block, I'd rather not risk it.

So we got each other a ring. I got a better deal. His is silver, mine white gold with diamonds. Haha.

Our little son, the "ringbearer"

Finisher's T-shirt

I thought the marathon was something individualistic... Run your own race. But no... everyone I met was helping or encouraging another run his/ her own race too. It was so apt that the theme for this year's Stanchart Marathon was "Spirit on the Course". I was touched by many gestures I saw (and conversations heard) along the way...

* When we were still running on the Marina route, the first runners had turned around. All of us clapped and cheered rejoicing on their excellent performance.
* Someone saw another runner struggling at 6th km and encouraged him to keep steady to maintain his form.
* Church groups setting up spots at East Coast Park to provide refreshment relief to runners.
* Passer-bys clapping and cheering us, total strangers, on.
* A runner guiding another hearing-impaired (?) runner
* When we were making the return trip along Fort Rd (34km), a man was hobbling (probably from an injury) across the road, still at his 20th km. Someone ran over and passed him a heat rub, as the paramedics would have run out of stock by the time he reached East Coast Park.
* A 53-year-old man was asking how long more to run and was accompanied by a group of men in their 30s- 40s to make their journey back together.

When we were queueing up to collect our bags, we would just make small talk with others and share our stories.

There were no strangers. Everyone was encouraging one another and rejoicing together at the finish point.

I recalled comments about Singaporeans being self-centred and ungracious. I did not see this in the course. There is, really, somewhere in us that still wants to give...

Stepping Down

2 weeks ago, I made a difficult decision. I stepped down as a Children's Church teacher after 10 years' of service.

In 1996, I had a stint at Children's Church when everyone from YAC were posted to ministries of their choice for 2 months. That was to give us a "foretaste" of serving in ministries. During my stint, I taught a lesson even though I had no experience. I taught "The Lord's Prayer".
It became a place where I grew over the next 10 years. In the past, teachers "bao ka liao" (meaning: do everything). From teaching, to worship leading, to playing instruments, to acting, to coaching, to counselling, to doing props. Soon, because of a need, I suddenly became a keyboardist. Something I was not ready to do.

Well, I learned organ but had lost touch for 5 years. Of course, I fumbled so many times but because having something was better than having nothing, people were more forgiving. I was stretched by God in this area. Teaching then was something that came easily for me. Not playing the keyboard. I had to trust God and entrust whatever gift He had given me.

playing keyboard,coaching Mei Yin (a student then)

After I got the hang of playing, God yet presented me with another area of growth. I was asked to be the superintendent of CC3 in 2002. It was something I took on with much fear and trembling. It was also humbling for me. But when God called, He also equipped and provided. I praise Him for His goodness.

This year, as Cavan turned one, I began to seriously think about my involvement. Guilt overcame me when I had to juggle between my child and my children at CC. I was giving half my best to them. I took a gradual step for 2nd half of 2006 in relinquishing my position as supt. For 2007, I decided not to commit as a cell teacher, but would stay in my Worship & Teaching team (duty once in a month).

It will continue to be my prayer that children will establish a strong foundation in God's Word and experience God in their lives. That they will growing up loving and serving Him.

Through the Years

Happy again

Blowing out candles