Forgiven

I didn't think my baby would be angry with me. I thought he would rush to the door, smile brightly and greet me with a sunshine "Hi!", like how he usually does when I reach my parents' place after work.

This time, he didn't even come to the door even after my father called for him. And not even after I called him.

He was angry. I hadn't shown up for 3 days.

I found him in the master bedroom with Aunt Judy and Unc Eric. When I greeted him, he was nonchalant about my appearance. I offered, "Come, mommy hug." He got up and I thought he would throw himself into my arms. No, he turned the other way and hugged a mattress instead. I was so hurt.

Next, he showed his anger. He opened a drawer where he would usually hide his treasures consisting batteries, my mom's long-sighted glasses, alarm clock etc. Then he banged it close. And he repeated it.

Aunt Judy exclaimed, Oh Cavan is angry with mommy. He fell sick over the weekend and mommy wasn't even with him.

I felt so, so bad.

I was walking out of the room when he followed me. I quickly turned around and tried to catch him. He giggled, turned around in attempts to escape, like how we would play catching. He let out a squeal of laughter when I managed to grab him. As soon as I carried him, he put his head on my shoulder and patted my arm.

I was forgiven. Ahh... the healing power of forgiveness.

Travelling without my baby

I made a last minute arrangement with my colleague to fly to Hong Kong over the weekend. There was a lot of hesitation. I wasn't concerned about the impulsive plan. Neither was I concerned about having to fork out that money when I could have saved it for our Melbourne trip later this year (no big deal, I'm going to get my bonus).

I am so going to miss my son.

Somehow motherhood makes a person all cushy and mushy. Usually I'm the sort- just follow your head (yep, my hubby is more of a heart person). This time, I feel I'm abandoning my child to enjoy!

Why did I feel different last June when Clem and I skipped off to Bali when Cavan was 4 months old? I could just go. Ah, I know. Cavan then was just a babe. It didn't matter whether I was there. He didn't have a concept of a mother being. As long as his main caretaker (his grandma) was there, it was fine. No separation anxiety.

Now it's different. He recognised me as mummy. How can mummy even go anywhere without him? That's what he thinks. Hmm... I feel more wanted, more needed. Hence more difficult to leave.

Finally, I feel like a mother.