100 Days

Probably not the best thing to talk about during CNY, but today marks the 100th day since my mom's passing.

Till now, I find it hard to relate in detail about her death. I don't even want to think about it. I can't even bear to look at her photos. It just brings so much pain to my heart and I miss her so much.

Nevertheless, there were several thanksgivings. I'd probably blog about them next time.

I had talked about how different CNY would be without Mom, and this year we distinctly felt the difference.

Just by going to the market made me think of her. She loved the crowd and bustle during CNY, and would often go to the market during the mornings and nights to pick out the freshest. I felt I was plugging in the gap by going to the market on her behalf. We also went to the Jurong West pasar malam. No doubt it was without her, but somehow (unspokenly) we felt we had gone on her behalf.

Just passing by Chinatown made me think of her. She loved to soak in the atmosphere, never mind the crowd. I couldn't stand the crowd so we went to People's Park for a short while. I felt that I had done my duty.

Following her tradition, I bought new PJs for my kids and changed new bedsheets. Just a week ago, Dad passed me a set of PJs my mom bought for me last year. I couldn't bear to open to look at them.

I did what Mom would have done - buying Verity a set of Chinese costume. Very cheena, but Mom would have gushed with delight.

Waking up in the morning of 1st day, I thought of her veg bee hoon, her succulent meatballs with chestnuts and prawns, the smell of her sweet date soup and other foods she would prepare on 初一. I shall attempt to replicate these next time.

I was mentally prepared that Mom wouldn't be around for CNY this year but I am still coming to terms with this fact.

There are traditions from Mom that I am determined to keep, and to provide my children with these memories of CNY.

Ok, this year I was a little lazy and didn't carry them out full force. Next year then.